Many years ago, one of my patients told me that happiness is a commodity. Its value decreases when negative emotions enter one’s life. Unfortunately, comparison and envy can be significant obstacles on the path to happiness.
“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” ― Oscar Wilde.
When we compare ourselves to others, we focus on their strengths and weaknesses, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy, resentment, and self-doubt. Similarly, when we envy others, we become fixated on what they have that we don’t—material possessions, social status, or personal accomplishments. This can lead to feelings of bitterness, frustration, and hopelessness. The worst part is that comparison and envy combine to undermine our well-being.
Social Comparison:
- Downward comparison refers to comparing ourselves to others who are less fortunate than us. I may have got a B in the class, but I am more focused on those who may have obtained a lower grade. This protective mechanism may temporarily boost our self-esteem but is not a source of long-term genuine happiness.
- Upward Comparison: We compare ourselves to those who are better off than us. This often leads to envy and dissatisfaction with our own lives. Constantly striving for something beyond our reach can erode our contentment and make us less appreciative of what we already have. This leads to FOMO (the “fear of missing out”). Here, people compared themselves to highly visible, highly social people—the “social butterflies” of their circles.
- Unrealistic Comparison: We often compare ourselves to idealized versions of others, curated online personas, or fabricated success stories. This skewed perspective on reality makes our achievements feel insignificant. The upward and unrealistic comparisons are behind some of the social network’s side effects.
Comparison is the thief of joy.” –Theodore Roosevelt.
How does comparison hurt us?
Comparison and envy can have significant effects on an individual’s happiness. Here are some ways in which these factors can impact well-being:
- Decrease in life satisfaction: Comparing oneself to others can lead to decreased fulfillment in one’s own life.
- Increase in negative emotions: Envy can elicit negative feelings such as jealousy, resentment, and bitterness.
- Increased stress: Constant comparison can place a strain on relationships.
- Reduced self-esteem: It can fuel materialistic pursuits but may not result in lasting happiness.
- Loss of enjoyment: Comparing diminishes your ability to savor the present moment. Imagine dancing with your partner, only to catch sight of another couple who may appear better than you. You might not fully enjoy the evening, and your partner could end up feeling dissatisfied.
What can I do?
- Shift the focus: We should focus on our journey, appreciate our progress, and celebrate our unique achievements, big and small. Find your path. If you want to be like them, find out how they do it and see if you can top it.
- Set realistic goals: Instead of pursuing unrealistic ideals, establish meaningful and attainable goals for us. Create a list of your top seven people and begin your comparison with number seven!
- Celebrate the successes of others: Instead of feeling resentful about others’ wins, make an effort to be genuinely happy for them. This promotes positive emotions and strengthens our relationships.
- Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself and accept that everyone has strengths and struggles. Comparing yourself to others will only cause you pain.
True happiness isn’t found in measuring ourselves against someone else’s yardstick. It’s a profoundly personal journey rooted in appreciating what we have and where we are. Try shifting your focus to gratitude for the good in your life and nurture a positive outlook even amidst challenges. Prioritize your own growth and celebrate each step forward, no matter how tiny—contentment blossoms when we embrace our unique path, leading to a joy that’s authentic and lasting.
“Comparison with myself brings improvement, comparison with others brings discontent.”
– Betty Jamie Chung, Chinese author.
Tarak Vasavada, MD
Medical director,
Live Well Foundation of Madison County Medical Society