Unforgiving Atacama Desert, Chile
Life is a long journey, and studies suggest that nearly 70% of people may experience some form of trauma during their lifetime. These experiences can range from minor to severe and involve us or people we are close to, such as friends, family, or partners. It is up to us how we choose to deal with these situations. We can either hold onto the negative emotions and let them eat away at us, or we can choose to let go and move on. Holding onto negative feelings can lead to two outcomes: avoidance or seeking revenge. The third option is Forgiveness.
Holding on = Revenge or Avoidance
Freedom= Forgiveness
What is forgiveness? Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, willful decision to let go of feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group that has harmed you, regardless of whether they deserve your forgiveness. It is a shift in motivation away from retaliation and avoidance (unforgiveness) and toward understanding, appraisal, and even love (Controversial and unnecessary) towards wrongdoers.
What does forgiveness not entail? Forgiveness should not be confused with pardoning, excusing, condoning, or reconciling. Many people often mix up these ideas with forgiveness.
As a psychological concept and virtue, the benefits of forgiveness have been explored in religious thoughts, philosophy, social science, politics, and medicine. Forgiveness can be towards someone, yourself, and sacred forgiveness (towards God).
Forgiveness and Positive Well-Being
Studies show that Forgiveness is associated with various positive outcomes. Individuals who are more forgiving tend to experience lower levels of depression, hostility, anger, paranoia, and low self-esteem. Additionally, forgiveness has been shown to assist in recovering from addiction and PTSD. Moreover, it is a predictor of higher relationship satisfaction among couples. It enhances commitment and is connected to a greater chance of overcoming betrayal while maintaining the relationship rather than ending it.
Forgiveness and Physical Health
A vital feature of an unforgiving personality is hostility, which is linked to adverse cardiac outcomes. Failure to forgive is associated with an extended period of cardiovascular reactivity. Toussaint reviewed 55 studies and found that 70% of studies show positive connections in self-reported health, fewer somatic complaints, and more likely to exercise.
Mind well that studies showing positive results are small and short-term.
Everett Worthington, a pioneer clinical psychologist in the field of forgiveness, proposes the REACH method for all those willing to make an effort to try. The five steps of the REACH model are:
- Recall the hurt: Visualize the event while taking deep breaths to keep your emotions steady. Acknowledge your inner pain, but try to overcome it by trying to recall the incident as objectively as possible. It’s your anger, not you. Express those emotions in a non-hurtful way without yelling or attacking. Avoid judgment and focus on letting resentment go.
- Empathize with the person: Attempt to empathize with the person who hurt you. Sometimes, hurts are horrible, and we just can’t get into the other person’s shoes. In that case, [try] other emotions like feeling sorry for them, sympathy for them or compassion towards them,” he says. The more you replace anger with compassion, the less you will want to hold onto the hurt.
- Altruistic gift: We all can remember when we wronged someone—maybe a parent, teacher, or friend—and the person forgave us. We felt light and free. And we didn’t want to disappoint that person by doing wrong again. By forgiving unselfishly, you can give that same gift to someone who hurt you. It would help if you let go of the revenge.
- Commit: Commit to the forgiveness you’ve given the other person. Start always by forgiving yourself for your role in every actual conflict. You may practice by writing or planning what you will say. Once you’ve forgiven, write a note to yourself.
- Hold onto your forgiveness: when all those memories return to your mind, be careful not to dwell on them. Interrupt negative thoughts and focus on the good things the event has brought to your life. Count on time. It always works as an excellent partner.
Forgiveness can be a complex and emotional process. Take your time. Your heart will tell you when you are not ready. Do not blame yourself if you cannot forgive.
Take care of yourself by getting enough rest, eating well, and engaging in activities that bring you joy. Forgiveness can be a lonely journey, but you don’t have to go through it alone. Contact friends, family, or a therapist for support and guidance.
Tarak Vasavada, MD
Medical director,
Live Well Foundation of Madison County Medical Society